Category Books , Personal development , Reviews

  During this period, having necessarily spent a lot of time isolated from the world, I’ve picked up reading again. “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” is one of the most interesting and enlightening books I’ve ever read on the topics of communication and personal development.   It’s a book full of concepts that are actually very simple and easy to understand. However, I believe that a good dose of consistency and determination is essential to apply them in everyday life. If people were to follow the NVC (Nonviolent Communication) method almost to the letter, I think we could live a fuller and more relaxed life.   The author of this book is truly a unique figure; his calm and peaceful character clearly comes through in his writing. I think it’s really important to learn more about him in order to fully understand where his theories come from.   Marshall B. Rosenberg was a doctor in clinical psychology, the founder and director of the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) in the USA, a non-profit organization that offers communication seminars in thirty countries worldwide, including Italy.   He was also a brilliant speaker, poet, and artist.   He developed a nonviolent communication process to teach to politicians, executives, diplomats, educators, doctors, psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists, lawyers, judges, military personnel, police officers, teachers, parents, and students.   He also offered his training in war-torn areas of the world and in economically depressed countries, with the aim of promoting the creation of governance systems that serve life.   The expression “in service of life” appears multiple times in this text, which discusses how communication with others and with ourselves should indeed be in service of life. In every situation, it’s necessary to focus on our own needs, then empathize with ourselves and others, in order to find a way to resolve conflicts. This is because, as Rosenberg states, we living beings are one, and the happiness of others is closely connected to our own.   When everyone's needs are heard, a solution to any conflict can be found.   Here are some excerpts from the text that particularly struck me:  
On empathy: “What will they think of me?” This is a thought that must be set aside in the name of happiness. “I think she would find people less threatening if she listened to what they need rather than what they think of her.” “I was deeply conflicted with what was going through that man’s mind, but I’ve learned to find much more joy in human beings if I don’t listen to what they think. (...) I’ve learned to savor life much more by listening only to what’s in their hearts and not getting distracted by what’s in their heads.” Rosenberg encourages us to focus on people’s needs, rather than on what they say, since they often express themselves in ways filled with resentment.
  On identifying our needs and listening to ourselves: “Since women are taught to see their most important duty as taking care of others, they often learn to ignore their own personal needs.” “When the critical thoughts we have about ourselves prevent us from seeing the beauty within us, we lose connection with the divine energy that sustains us. Conditioned as we are to see ourselves as objects—furthermore, objects full of flaws—is it any wonder that many of us end up being violent toward ourselves?” “Anger is the result of a way of thinking that alienates us from life, disconnected from our needs. Anger indicates that we’ve moved up into our heads to analyze and judge someone, instead of focusing on what we need and are not receiving.” Resentment and anger are expressions of unmet needs, so we must learn to recognize the needs buried beneath the anger. The author dedicates several pages to a uniquely feminine issue: disconnecting from one’s own needs in order to fulfill the traditional roles of wife and mother.   On taking responsibility for our feelings: “The horrors we’ve seen, the even greater horrors we will soon see, are not signs that the number of rebellious, insubordinate, untamable men is increasing worldwide, but rather that there is a steady growth in the number of obedient and docile men.” “We are dangerous when we are unaware that we are responsible for our behavior, our thoughts, and our feelings.” Rosenberg consistently encourages transparency in our communications, expressing our needs with clear and unambiguous words. To achieve this, it is essential to take responsibility for how we feel. He doesn’t invite us to be docile, but to listen and express ourselves with clarity.   On the danger of making judgments, both positive and negative: “As long as we carry on an inner dialogue full of judgments, we alienate ourselves from what we need and fail to take action to meet those needs. Depression indicates a state of alienation from our personal needs.” “I believe that judgments—both positive and negative—are a form of communication that alienates us from life.” Rosenberg disapproves of both positive and negative judgments. The only judgments he approves of are those expressed correctly, solely to celebrate (not to manipulate the other person).   On giving and receiving with empathy: “Since we are accustomed to a culture where the standard modes of exchange are buying, earning, and deserving, we are often uncomfortable with simple giving and receiving.” “Don’t be so modest, you’re really not that great.” When we receive praise, we can do so without any sense of superiority or false modesty, celebrating together with the person who offers the appreciation.   These are just some of the concepts explored; I believe this text is very useful for anyone, like me, who wants to improve relationships with others and their communication skills. Rosenberg is definitely someone to elevate as a role model, although at times he can be quite extreme… the book actually ends with this poem (being a poet, several passages of the text are written in verse):   “Feed the hungry, care for the sick, and then rest. Never walk if you can dance; make your home a welcoming nest.”   I think these verses are full of goodness and the right words, certainly not easily applicable to everyday life in a society fundamentally based on individualism. Moreover, communicating according to NVC requires a high level of concentration and focus, which isn’t always easy to achieve in every situation.   In summary, I highly recommend this reading if you are looking for an alternative way to improve your life, starting with yourself.   What do you think? Comments (in NVC style, please!) about my initiative to review books on communication and personal development are welcome. I think it’s useful to recommend helpful texts while also revisiting the key concepts. I find that sharing concepts with others is a good way to internalize them and make them your own.   See you soon! N.G.